即使我的孩子已經脫離高中階段,
不用再受種種不必要、不合理的苦,
但想到他們的過去,和其他學生未來要經歷的,
我的眼眶又輕易紅了。
不捨,和無奈。
 
多年來,影響懷玉排名的學科,一直是數學,
她高一上甚至補考數學。
可以說,她對數學花最多功夫,
得到的回饋,永遠是捉摸不定的。
 
或許她也瞭解,數學不是她的強項,
可是,一次次的挫折,並沒有讓她放棄數學這科,
她還是抱著希望,繼續做題目。
 
今年的社會組學生運氣很不好,
學測的數學和指考的數乙都爆難,
數乙被各界稱為「地獄試題」「殘殺考生」。
看到媒體報導頂標69,
我想,妹妹大概會考50幾分吧。
 
中說,妹妹考完跟他們說話時,差點哭出來……,
他捉了一隻蟬要給妹妹看,偏偏那隻蟬尿在妹妹手上,
完全沒有化解她沮喪情緒的效果。
 
對完答案,知道大概80分左右,之後,我才敢問妹妹考試當時的心情。
她說了一些。
後來說,她其實當天晚上有寫日記。
 
我請她寄給我,
讓我把它譯出來。
看了,又流淚。
 
命題老師,用點心出題目,
不要這樣折磨我們的下一代,好嗎!
 
◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎◎

我最大的惡夢竟然再度出現!
之前,我不敢想像這麼難的數學考題會再出現一次;
當它真的出現時,我完全無法置信。

彷彿置身地獄般煎熬,我身體發抖,又急又快的心跳就是慢不下來。
我告訴自己得冷靜,除了眼前試題,別再分心!
可是,注意力仍一次次飛散。
絕望與憤怒之際,浮起的是「完了,我完了……」的感受;
同時,我費盡力氣把注意力拉回這一個個看似遙遠、陌生的數字上。

 

我就是無法冷靜思考,我得不斷提醒自己「不能哭,絕不能哭」;
一哭出來,肯定無法控制情緒。
鐘響收卷前,我終於解出最後一道題,保住了八分,
那完全是因為我不斷告訴自己:
「一定得好好想,我非解出這題不可!」
我告訴自己:
「已經失了不少分,絕不能因情緒失控再掉分。」

 

想起這三年來持續不懈,直到今天早上都是這麼努力,
眼前的一切,更是難以承受。
翻開試卷、只消瞄一下試題,就知道
我對數學花費的時間、努力和淚水,即將灰飛湮滅。

這考題既瘋狂又荒謬。
如果我足夠理智,就不會試圖去理解為何出這種題目;
題目就是這樣了,我花時間和心力去想原因,也徒勞無益。
曾經猜測考題可能如何呈現,
如今,我再也無能確定任何事了。
 



隨便你要怎樣吧!
這麼多年來,我別無選擇地陪玩這瘋狂遊戲,
從今以後,數學,你別想再煩我了!
數學讓學生背負死沈的壓力和痛苦;
或許我不該用這麼惡毒的詞語,
但抱歉,我真的要譴責那些把數學變成這種面目的人!

 

大考中心的出題老師,
你們知道多少學生的未來毀在你們手中嗎!
請搞清楚
學生不是你們那些荒誕實驗的白老鼠!
學生未來不該被你們玩弄於股掌之間!
別再出這種考題,
否則人們對這些不當行為的批判,
將讓你們蒙受更多羞辱。

That is my worst nightmare coming alive. This is a thing that I didn't dare to imagine, and didn't dare to believe when it really happened again. This was hellish. I was physically shaking, my heart pounding hard and fast, unable to slow down. I told myself to calm down and stopped thinking about things other than the questions in front of me, but my mind just kept drifting away. Somewhere, between despair and rage and a sense of ‘‘it all came to nothing’’, I struggled to refocus my attention to the numbers that seemed so distant.

 

I just couldn't think, and I had to tell myself again and again that I couldn't cry. If I cry, then I would never be able to get back again. I managed to solve one last question before the bell rang and saved the 8 marks, because I told myself that I had to think, that I must solve this out. I already lost enough, and I just couldn't bear to lose any more mark simply because I couldn't control my emotions.

 

It was just all too much to take, thinking about how I had worked all the way to this morning. And a flip and a look of the test paper were all it took to confirm everything, and to shatter literally everything I had put into it, time, effort, and tears.  

This whole thing is insane and ridiculous. And if I am rational, I'm not going to make sense of it, because at the end of the day, it'll just become another meaningless labour that doesn't worth any of my time and effort. I suppose that's the way it is, but I don't know anymore.

 

That's it. I'm done, for good. For so many years I had to play along your crazy game because I had no choice, but now, I'm saying that I am leaving, and that you are not going to bother me again, ever. I'm sorry, you probably don't deserve the harsh words, but blame it on the people who make you into what you are now, the dead weight on the students' shoulders, the pain in the ass.

 

And to the CEEC, do you know how many futures of students you have ruined because of the test papers you handed out? Please understand that we are not your lab rats for your absurd experiments, and that our futures are not yours to play in your palms as you please. So stop acting like that and save yourself from humiliation before more people can criticise on your inadequate behaviours.

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